but i’m not underweight.
Matthew Gray Gubler’s reasons to stay alive…
I feel like there are two people inside of me. Constantly at war with one another, and my body is the vessel for their battle ground.
One person, is good and whole. She wants a future, she wants life, and hope. She has dreams of a family, and a career. She knows the truth about herself. She knows she’s beautiful, she knows she’s loved, but the thing is…She’s very weak. She’s fragile and emotional, she’s like a China doll…a cracked China doll.
The other person is dark. It’s not even a person, it’s more of an it, and it is evil, it wants death, and tells lies. It’s strong, and emotionless. Like a rock wall. It’s also cunning and persuasive, and it’s a killer.
These two creatures are constantly battling in my mind, and my body suffers as they fight, and depending on how the day goes in terms of “recovery vs relapse”, depends on which one has control of my mind when I wake up.
I’ve realized that it’s not about weight. It might of been in the beginning, and on the surface it still is. In the surface it’s all about being fat or skinny, but it’s not really. It’s about being nothing. It’s about this need to be perfect and this need to disappear from the harsh world. Nothing is so pure. There can’t be a mistake or a mess-up or pain or suffering in nothing, because it’s just that…nothing. Nothing is the purest form of existence. I want to be nothing. That’s what this is about, it’s about my losing weight so there can be less of me in the world. So I’m one step closer to becoming nothing. Pure, simple, and painless nothing. So I can disappear. I can’t hurt, I can’t mess up, I’m just nothing. And with every pound and bone I lose and see, I’m a little more like nothing. A little more perfect. With every bit of weightloss there’s a little less of me.
But I need to know that I’ll never be nothing. I was created by God, the biggest something there is. He’s pure and sinless and perfect, but he’s NOT nothing, and I was created in his imagine. I need to learn that the only way to reach that purity, and to lose the pain and troubles is to follow him and remember the sacrifice of his son. I am sinful and soiled, that’s true. But becoming nothing is not how to fix it.
But I guess there’s a difference between knowing something and believing it… :/
That moment when I feel so lost. That moment when I don’t know what I want, so I just let the darkness choose for me. That moment when I forget who I am and who’s I am. That moment when all Mirrors are suddenly a pathway to hell. That moment when I can’t even look at my swimsuit without doing crunches. That moment when I just can’t pick up the fork. Yeah…I’m in that moment.
I don’t know where to begin, I don’t have that exciting of a story. A lot like most of yours I guess. I was a tiny child who never ate, and so whenever I did I was praised by my parents, which was always something I’ve enjoyed and still do, pleasing my parents. I grew up in a home where I’ve felt and feel this constant stress to be perfect. It wasn’t like my parents were perfectionists. They just wanted me to do my best, and had high expectations of me, but I was a perfectionist, so to me my best was perfect, and since they wanted my best I felt like I had to be perfect. I have to be in the top 10% of my class, I have to be the best actress in my freshman class, and so on. It came with looks as well. My dad was always big on sports and health, and my mom was a little over weight. So I was exposed to constant dieting from a very young age because my mother had always been trying to lose weight.In fact me and her probably went on my first diet when I was in fifth grade. a 10 year old dieting? Ridiculous I know. The summer of 5th grade I was bribed by my mom that if I could get done to 90 pounds before the summer ended she’d give me 100 dollars. She meant well, she knew I was self conscious about my weight, and she was trying to make me happier, she didn’t know how this would effect my future. Then there was my dad. He’d never admit it, but he’s a little Cacomorphobic (Fear of fat people), so I would always hear things like “Just eat less” or “You would lose weight if you ate less junk” or “All you have to do is exercise” Once again, like my mom he just wanted me to be happy and healthy, but I felt so fat, and because of the weight I felt placed on my shoulders to lose weight (no pun intended), and that I wanted to please my parents, I would go on diets on and off, for a couple of years. Thus my obsession with weight began. I was called fat for the first time in 7th grade. I always knew I was, but no one had to guts to say anything, and my so called “friend” who was flirting with the guy that called me fat, did nothing but laugh.This was also the year she told me she didn’t like me when she first met me because I was “ugly”. 7th grade I didn’t really wear makeup, care too much about what my hair looked like, or the clothes I wore. If i had time in the morning I might straighten my hair and put on makeup, but a lot of time I just wore my hair up, a T-shirt and some jeans. After 7th grade I really started caring about my appearance. I would be late before I would leave the house without makeup. I became really self conscious about my looks as well as my weight. I went into a really deep depression in 8th grade, I honestly don’t remember how or why, but I do remember it was awful. I hated myself, and I could have sworn everyone else hated me. This was when I first experimented with an eating disorder. I thought maybe being thin would fix things. Everything would be okay if I could fit into 00 jeans. I would look up “how to be anorexic”, “how to purge” and things in that area. I would try to starve myself and couldn’t go much longer than a day at a time. I was a stupid child. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Eventually I gave up trying to have eating disorder and continued with my depression by finding other outlets of relief, like cutting. I came out of my depression in the summer before Freshman year. But even though the cutting left,the eating disorder tendencies never went away. I was so stressed about life I didn’t eat much. Most people get hungry when they’re stressed. I lost my apatite. I wasn’t trying to develop an eating disorder, but then people commented on the weight I was losing… and it made me happy. I was losing weight and becoming thin, so I started starving again, and this time I was succeeding, and this time I was no longer in control of my disorder like I was in the past, if you could of even called that an “eating disorder”, this time it was real, and this time it was in control of me. As much as I wanted to eat I was so scared of gaining weight. becoming fatter than I was already. I heard that constant nasty voice in my head telling me how fat and ugly I was. Before I knew it I dropped 15 pounds, and I was so happy, but I was also frightened. There was this sick twisted happiness. It made me sick, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t gain weight. I’d rather die. I wanted to be thin, weightless, bones. I was addicted. The first time I purged my Friend was staying the night. Like most teenage girls at sleepovers, we binged on candy and treats. I didn’t want to, but I also didn’t want to give away my secret. I felt SO incredibly guilty afterwards, and that voice in my head was screeching at me, telling me I HAD to get rid of the food or I’d be fat. The voice forced me into the bathroom, I had tried to purge before that, but I could never get myself too. This time I HAD to succeed though. I remembered throwing up in 1st grade from drinking too much water, so I chugged 2 bottles of water until I felt like I was gonna explode. Then for the first time… I purged. This is where I am today. starving and when I feel the need to, purging, with the occasional binge, and somewhere along the way the self harm returned. I no longer have control over this disease. If I could take back my past I would. I warn people that experiment with eating disorders to stop while it’s still their choice, because soon it won’t be anymore. The fear of fat consumes my every thought. It scares me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I want to get better, but I don’t want to get fat.
I don’t know what this blog is. It’s a lot. It’s my life, my struggle, my..everything. First, I’ll go by saying this is NOT A PRO ANA BLOG. I don’t enjoy those, they are idiotic and they help people get sick. I used to be, and still am, addicted to them, and all they did was trigger me down a spiral of darkness. Not to say that this blog won’t be triggering, but anything that is will have trigger warnings, and a full apology because I don’t want to make people sicker. I won’t give any advice or condone any eating disorder behaviors. I’ll also talk about my life in general.. I mean… why not? So join me on the road of recovery and relapse and well… just trying to be normal.